Man vs. Baby by Matt Coyne

Author:Matt Coyne
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Scribner

GOOD PEOPLE/BAD PEOPLE

In truth, some people just don’t like babies. They find them annoying. And I get it. They are annoying. But you know what? There are a thousand things about the outside and my fellow humans that I find annoying. (Not least the sound of James Blunt being piped through tinny headphones.) Isn’t it true that we have to express tolerance for our fellow man every day? Otherwise, we would all just be wandering around looking to be pissed off at something all the time, and that would make us no better than the people who haunt the comments section of Breitbart News.

So, if you are one of those people unable to express tolerance for a mom or dad struggling with their child and you are accidentally reading this book, you should understand something: restaurants, airplanes, buses, shopping centers—these are all public places, they are not your fucking bedroom. We are not hanging out in your house. And if you can’t express tolerance for a baby, then you don’t have the tolerance to be outdoors. If you’re really allergic, then there are a thousand places you can go where you can avoid them: casinos, strip joints, pretty much anywhere after 9 p.m. All the really fun places. Or why not just stay at home so that you don’t have to roll your eyes and sigh and make parents feel like shit because their day is not going quite according to plan?

Here is the fundamental truth: no one arrived into the world as a fully formed adult. Not one person. We were all these dribbling, snot-covered, screeching, feral beasties once. And although we can’t remember that stage of our lives, I guarantee that every single one of us was disruptive and noisy and really fucking annoying. So, when it comes down to it, to be bent out of shape because you find yourself in the presence of a baby is hypocritical, and you may need to consider the possibility that you’re being a dick.

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